Autism and borderline in relationships

Hello everyone

Welcome back to my blog! I'm really excited about today's post. A while ago I started wondering in anyone else in the world was experiencing their relationship the way that I am. Considering that I am diagnosed with BPD and my boyfriend with Autism, we have very special circumstances. From the beginning, it was clear that we were gonna be different. That our relationship would not be the same as other people's. I have always felt that because of our diagnosis, we understood each other better and had a very strong relationship. In a lot of ways, my boyfriend and I are alike.

We have experienced similar things and both struggle with very strong feelings. Since borderline has such a bad reputation in the mental health world, I was always scared that people look at our relationship and think "Wow. That's a bad mix" when I feel the exact opposite. When looking this up on google, I could not find a lot of information about Autism and BPD together. I wanted to find out how other Autism-BPD couples lived their lives and if they had similar structures in their relationship as we had. Then I had an idea.

After confirming with Facebook, I realized that I was still in a borderline personality disorder support group. It had over 40k members. So I posted something in there asking who in there with BPD was dating someone on the spectrum and to my surprise, my post got over 40 comments. After contacting some of the people that commented, I was able to find 6 couples that were able and willing to contribute to this post by answering questions and telling me about their relationship. I hope that this post raises awareness for both conditions and truthfully highlights the good and the bad because, before everything, I want this to be one thing: Honest.

The following texts are not written by me, but by the people they are about.

1. K and I

First, we're gonna look at the relationship between I (male, autistic) and K (female, BPD). K had this to say about their relationship:

My BPD tends to make me freak out and break down over the smallest things. He's brutally honest. Like, he will say something and the wording could come off a bit harsh and I could get really upset about it. We talk things out because I don't want to be toxic and he doesn't want to not be honest with me. There's miscommunication a lot of the times which ends up getting cleared up the more I explain why I'm upset. He's more of a facts person.

Like once I asked him to rate me and he said like an 8.5 and I got upset over that. He was speaking in an objective and general way of grouping in every woman that exists. So obviously models and others are gonna be objectively more attractive. I think of it in a way of "well, to me you'd be a 10 because you're my boyfriend and I love you. You're very handsome" even though I know there are other men out there more attractive than him. So our way of thinking can be completely different in a lot of ways. Our fights have never lasted more than a few hours. He even checks in on me to make sure I'm okay.

He's a soldier now and he's extremely intelligent. It's honestly my most healthy relationship. He tells me how he feels about me. When I ask for reassurance because my BPD tells me something's wrong he makes it clear that he loves me very much. He's very patient with me when I have a BPD episode. He reassures me when we fight. He tells me he loves me a lot so I know. If there's something going on like he's busy or he's not in a good mood he'll say it but makes sure to tell me he loves me. Communicating can be difficult sometimes but we work through it patiently together.

2. Rachel and Adam

Now we're gonna hear from Rachel and Adam.

Q: Introduce yourselves. Who has autism and who BPD?

A: I, Rachel have BPD and Adam has autism

Q: Tell us about your relationship

A: We have dated on and off throughout high school and are currently in a stable relationship now. The reason we kept breaking up is that we let our emotions get the best of us. Q: What challenges come with BPD and autism?

A: For the BPD, my feelings and emotions run ramped and I put my emotions over his a lot and then feel guilty and hate myself. For his Autism while he is on the higher functioning side he struggles with his emotions and people skills he loses his temper a lot and is quick to snap and sometimes doesn’t understand my emotions and why I am feeling a certain way.

Q: What are the good things that come with your conditions? What is special about it? A: Benefits for my BPD is I can sympathize easily with how others are feeling and I am very faithful and clingy to him and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. His autism is positive because when my emotions are not appropriate he doesn’t notice half the time and always just checks to see if I am okay a lot because he knows he can’t read my emotions or social cues all the time.

3. Brittany & Edmund Colell                                                                                                 Brittany Colell: I am 28 with 2 daughters. I am diagnosed with BPD, my symptoms stem from childhood trauma and abuse from previous relationships.( Edmund Colell) I am 29 with 2 daughters. Diagnosed with ASD as a child. 

Edmund & Brittany have been together for almost six years and married for two. They got together knowing Edmund was on the spectrum and were unaware of Brittany’s BPD. Their relationship started very cautiously as Edmund had been previously cheated on and Brittany had lost her previous significant other, also daughter’s father to a heart attack. Brittany suffered major relationship anxiety and was always being aware of how often she was texting Edmund fearing she would be too clingy. Both had strong feelings and five months later Edmund would finally tell Brittany he loved her. 

One year after they moved in together. Relationship had healthy normal ups and downs. Brittany knew that with Edmund’s ASD she needed to be very communicative and direct. At this time Brittany wasn’t showing signs of BPD. It wasn’t until one month after they got married, Brittany had to have an emergency gall bladder removal, unfortunately, Edmund didn’t handle the recovery very well and Brittany ended up feeling very betrayed and abandoned by the situation. Brittany was lashing out, short-fused, feeling very alone and didn’t understand why she was acting like she did in her teenage years, she felt that was behind her. She was put on medication for depression, one month later she was diagnosed with BPD. 

Happy to have an answer to her problems was both a blessing and a curse. Brittany and Edmund decided they would try for a baby and Brittany was soon pregnant, she was completely taken off her medication, which increased symptoms and stress. Struggles: BPD and ASD are both social disorders in completely different ways. People with ASD have a hard time understanding body language and facial expressions as well as expressing them. 

A lot of the time both disorders can be seen as narcissistic, but it’s actually the opposite. Both just long to be understood and understand. Both feel very misplaced in the world in different ways. People with BPD are constantly watching body language and facial expressions because that is what they were programmed to do to detect early signs of possible danger. The flight or fight response in people with BPD is easily triggered due to an inability to regulate emotions. So combining the two disorders. You have one that’s constantly trying to get reassurance by looking at body language and expression, and the person with ASD isn’t necessarily going to project the correct response needed, with the amount of trust issues that the person with BPD has, simply asking isn’t going to be good enough because they could be lying. Simply asking for reassurance is the easiest way to get it from someone who is on the spectrum.

 A lot of times the person on the spectrum does not know how to handle or understand the person with BPD. A couple with this combination needs to have extreme communication skills and both need to support each other as they go through the process of bettering themselves.        

Benefits: Due to my husband’s spectrum disorder I find his directiveness to be quite helpful in establishing boundaries and trust. I thrive off knowing that what comes out of my husband’s mouth is going to have no underlying meaning that you tend to see a lot in neurotypicals. Due to this, I have found being around neurodivergent people, drama free and more comfortable. With this, my expectations are already set. I need predictability and consistency to keep me sane, being with him provides that. He’s also extremely calm and patient which can help keep me from going over the edge with my own emotions. Now with my BPD, I have this constant need to be a people pleaser and so because I love my husband, I want to understand him more and more every day and I want him to be as comfortable as possible which has made it so I’ve offered him a safe place to stim and not mask his symptoms and overall be himself. 

With my constant need to people watch I’ve found that my husband is very expressive but not in a neurotypical way that I was accustomed to. It has been like learning a new language. Being together with our disorders has made it so that we are better parents and better partners. I’ve taught him its okay to be himself and he’s taught me patience, we’ve normalized weird in our house. 

4. Anonymous

My partner who is 21 has autism and I am 23 and I have BPD. Me and my partner have been together for nearly a year, we knew each other from when we were kids, we now have our own child due in November which is scary but exciting. He is in the middle on the autism spectrum he is very clever but his emotional side and when it comes to big groups or meeting new people and through his reading and writing is when his autism shows, we explode a lot together because of my emotional unstable side and how he can't handle his emotions and we do argue because I will try to understand every point he makes and try to do something to resolve it.

Sometimes I can be hard and difficult to deal with because of previous trauma but somedays he has a huge meltdown and then starts to say how he wishes he was different and he didn't have his autism so he can understand me better which makes me feel awful and guilty that my attitude or my personal problems have made him feel like that because I know having BPD is hard for anyone to

have to deal with let alone someone with autism who already struggles themselves. The benefits are actually amazing because I've dated people without autism before and they would just call me crazy but he doesn't he read up so much about bpd and took his time going through articles and other people who are in relationships and he has so much knowledge on BPD now because he kept re-reading and learning, he can now tell when I'm sad or just how my attitude is different one day from the next, and I didn't really know much about autism until being in a relationship with him but I've learned so much and that's what makes it special.

We took the time to learn about each other it was different before as friends because it wasn't that connection like it is now, being together we've learned a lot more in-depth about each other, and we know each other triggers its the small moments when we can make each other smile and have silly moments together that makes everything we go through worth it, and the fact we have a daughter on the way now makes it more special because my hormones have balanced out a little bit and he is so excited and seeing someone you love look at you and smile and saying thank you for giving him the most precious thing really makes the bad days worth all these moments we share together.

5. Faith and Kira

Q: Introduce yourselves. Who has autism and who BPD?

A: Faith and Kira Faith, 15, BPD +other diagnoses Kira, 17, ASD +other diagnoses

Q: Tell us about your relationship

A: We have been friends for over a year now, just begun dating at the beginning of June. We met in a teen support group in my community. We are both still in school (both in different schools) in the same community. We are definitely opposites. She really likes watching movies, drawing, and singing. And I am a total theatre nerd, I love singing and playing instruments. We don’t have too much in common but we balance each other out well. Q: What are the good and bad things that come with your conditions? What is special about it? A: I find I talk a lot about how I am feeling and she talks a lot about her interests. I feel like I don’t know her deeply emotionally, but again we haven’t been dating for too long. She doesn’t exactly recognize when she might do something that hurts my feelings or that I am sensitive to so we really have to make sure we communicate as best as we can. She can be very cold emotionally and it takes her a while to open up (not sure if that has anything to do with autism) while I am very emotional and very open. We definitely balance each other out but it takes work to make sure we aren’t hurting each other. Something really special about autism and BPD together is truly that balance. She can take me being emotional and not react. She is my rock. She keeps me strong and will listen to me talk about how I’m feeling and she always seems to calm me down.

6. Anonymous

Our relationship is very good, we don't really argue ever, we have disagreements, but we talked through it, but with the BPD and some of my other diagnosis, a lot of times I have doubts about the relationship, whereas I feel like sometimes maybe he's only with me because I was one of the only girl that showed interest in him, and I often want to self sabotage this relationship and push him away because I feel like it'd be easier, but in the end I just got keep remembering that, that's just the illness talking, and that I love him with all my heart.

Him with his autism a lot of it is that he's actually very functional, and you wouldn't think he was autistic, but he also has no problem straight up telling you he is, but one of the many problems we do face, is that he is brutally honest and he doesn't mind hurting feelings, with his honesty but he doesn't seem to understand that the reason people can't handle it, is usually the people that say it, and he is brutally honest, but can't handle someone being that way toward him.

I do feel like a lot of it is we are very similar, we don't like being the reason someone is upset, we tend to get worked up very easily over what seems to be little things, but to us could be a much bigger thing, we don't like it when people are mean to us, I mean but seriously who does, but we take it closer to heart because we're both very sensitive. And where it differs is that he loves to shower often because of the autism, sometimes I get to a point where I don't want to shower for weeks at a time, till I finally feel like it's time, then it feels like it's the hardest thing to do, you know little things like that.

An analysis

We can see that like with other couples, some relationships are more difficult than others. I think that whether the relationship is more smooth sailing or turbulent is dependant on the people inside of it and how much effort they put into being healthy. Not everyone is the same, even if they have the same diagnosis. So what do we take away from all this?

In 1.) K describes that her BPD makes her "freak out" and "break down". Someone with autism could probably relate to that, as they experience something similar yet very different when having meltdowns. She also describes a situation where her partner said something she considered to be "harsh" and "brutally honest" when he rated her beauty an 8.5 out of 10.

She explained that they have different ways of thinking and that he never intended to hurt her. She also speaks of miscommunication as a frequent issue and how she puts effort into not being a toxic partner. She also mentions needing reassurance and that against all autistic stereotypes, her boyfriend is very good at reassuring her and taking care of her when emotional. This is something I can relate to, as the exact same applies to my relationship.

When I am in pain, my partner is very good at reassuring me and telling me things that warm my heart again. Personally, I think that that is because the autistic partner can relate to the bps partners' pain very well, and organically knows what they need in order to feel better. She describes her partner as patient and intelligent. In 2.) Rachel and Adam describe that her BPD helps her sympathize with her partner and makes her very faithful and clingy.

In 3) Brittany describes her BPD with the words "clingy", that she texted her partner too much and had relationship anxiety. Brittany said some very important things in her text that help us understand the dynamic of the two conditions when combined:

A lot of the time both disorders can be seen as narcissistic, but it’s actually the opposite. Both just long to be understood and understand. Both feel very misplaced in the world in different ways. 

So combining the two disorders. You have one that’s constantly trying to get reassurance by looking at body language and expression, and the person with ASD isn’t necessarily going to project the correct response needed

A lot of times the person on the spectrum does not know how to handle or understand the person with BPD. A couple with this combination needs to have extreme communication skills and both need to support each other as they go through the process of bettering themselves. 

 She also said something else that was very relatable: "It has been like learning a new language". And again, the emphasis lies in communication. 

In 4.) anonymous described her autistic partner as "clever" and herself as "emotionally unstable". She points out the danger of "exploding together". She reveals a secret as to how they manage to keep things healthy:

We took the time to learn about each other it was different before as friends because it wasn't that connection like it is now, being together we've learnt alot more in depth about each other, and we know each others triggers its the small moments when we can make each other smile and have silly moments together that makes everything we go through worth it.

 In 5.) We talk about Faith and Keira. Faith says: "I talk a lot about how I am feeling and she talks a lot about her interests".

Something really special about autism and BPD together is truly that balance. She can take me being emotional and not react. She is my rock.

This is also something I can relate to very well. 

In 6.) anonymous says that her and her partner are very similar, that he is "brutally honest", "functional" and that she sometimes has the urge to self-sabotage.

In all these examples, we find the people involved using "good" and "bad", "kind" and "offensive" words when referring to their own condition or to the condition of their partner. And maybe that is because there truly is a positive and negative side to them both. Almost all interviewed people express the danger of getting overwhelmed together, of both sides emotionally escalating together. They describe a very real reality that both parties have to work on each other, together and individually to keep the relationship healthy. The BPD-Autism relationship has that in common with every other relationship in the world, only that the emotional side seems to be amplified.

Also, it has in common with other relationships, that whether it is toxic or healthy depends on the individuals. Even when having the same diagnosis, everyone is still very different and so are the relationships. It's impossible for me to decide for you, whether BPD-autism relationships are good or bad. All of them are different, with some similarities. On the pro side, all parties seem to have what is a very close, intense relationship, lots of understanding and empathy for each other, and the ability to give each other what they truly need.

This is all I have for you today, I hope you found this useful.

Love,

Caroline