Aspergers relationship advice

About 1 year ago, I fell in love.

My boyfriend and I have a funny tradition, when people, even family members, ask us, how we met, we'll tell them something different every time. "At the train station", "At University", "On the bus". And even though I will not share our little secret with you, I will share this:

When my boyfriend first told me he had Aspergers, I had no idea what it was. It took a while on Google until I had first gathered information, but it would take a long time until I would really grasp what Aspergers was. I remember searching through the internet for relationship advice for a neurotypical girlfriend and an Aspergers boyfriend, but to my disappointment, I found very little content, except for videos from The Aspie World on YouTube, for which I am very thankful to this day.

After doing long distance for a while, my boyfriend and I moved in together rather quickly, and have been happily living together ever since. I made a list with all of the advice I would give someone that was in the same situation I was in a year ago when I had no clue at all. So here we go:

1. Alone time

Next to spending lots of time together, daily alone time is healthy for the autistic person. This is something each couple will have to work out for themselves, but to us, it's a daily routine. They need time to research their interests and do whatever they like to do. This does not mean that they want time away from you, and it sais nothing about how close your relationship is. Without daily alone time, it is more likely for the autistic person to feel overwhelmed quicker. It's a way for them to recharge.

2. Take interest in their special interest

This is a really cute one. I love it so much when my boyfriend gets passionate about one of his interests and talks to me about it. Getting to know their special interest is getting to know them better. Who doesn't like to talk about the things they are passionate about? It's a great way to bond and feel closer. 

3. Explain feelings in detail

Never let your partner with autism guess how you are feeling or expect them to figure everything out by themselves, it's not fair. Explain your feelings in detail and leave nothing up to chance. In my opinion, this one should be done in every relationship, but especially if one partner has autism.

4. Be clear and direct about your wishes

If you want something or don't want something- say so. If you liked something that they did, say so. This will be highly appreciated, as the person with autism doesn't constantly have to worry about performing a certain way. If you have certain expectations regarding anything, for example, your birthday, tell them what they are. If you wish for them to take you out to dinner or take initiative, express it and they will be thankful.

5. In fights, have a safeword for breaks

In order to prevent meltdowns, which are very painful, a little care is required when discussing hard topics or fighting about something. When one person starts to raise their voice or you feel like the fight starts to be very serious, say your safeword, and go into different rooms for a while. Before this was suggested to us, our fights were way more difficult than they are now. This helps prevent meltdowns but also keeps the fight from ever getting ugly. It does not matter how many breaks you need in order to get through a fight, it matters that both parties are safe and have a way to regulate their emotions. The more you do this, the easier it becomes.

6. Educate yourself about autism

Especially in the beginning, but also later, keep watching videos about autism, read blogs and articles, and listen to podcasts. The more you know about your partner's autism the better for your relationship. You will have more understanding and empathy for them and it will help everything be more smooth. The last thing you want is to be ignorant about the topic and accidentally treat your partner wrongly. A good thing to do is talk to your partner about how they experience day to day life, their past experiences and ask lots of questions to get them talking and sharing about the topic. This is a great opportunity to grow closer as a couple.

7. Routines

If my boyfriend and I love one thing, it's routines. When we had our first sleepover, and he started what we call his "night routine", I had no idea what was going on and where he was :D But after he introduced me to daily routines, my life improved immensely. Routines give so much safety to autistic, but also non-autistic people. What is familiar feels good and safe. It's a very healthy coping mechanism for the craziness that is life and a way to control certain things. Never keep your autistic partner from doing their routines and make sure they are possible in one way or another when removing them from their usual surroundings.

8. Learn their communication style

This is so important. My boyfriend has, what it seems to me, his very own language with its very own rules. He tends to take things very literal and I still remember the moment when this became first obvious to me. When you have two different communication styles, misunderstandings can appear very easily. The number of moments I have said the words "that's not what I meant" at the beginning of the relationship is high. But the longer we are together the more alike our communication gets. At this point, it's not him who has his own language, it's the both of us together who share a communication style, and that's what you eventually want.

9. Avoid information/ emotion dumps

It can be hard for everyone to deal with a lot of information or emotion at once. Be respectful of what you know will overwhelm your partner and make an effort to take your time when talking, to stay calm and explain things normally. Pick your moments for important conversations. For example late at night, when your partner is exhausted from a long day is not the time to dump all of your emotions on them and expect them to be able to handle that. Have a support system outside of your relationship if you can! 

10. Learn to stop before the meltdown

If you're in a situation you know will eventually lead to a meltdown, help them to get out of it. If you're at the grocery store and you can see them getting increasingly overwhelmed, stop the situation and remove yourselves for a while. In general, it is a good idea to learn everything you can about your partner and their meltdowns so that you can help prevent them. As non-autistic people, we have no way of understanding how painful they really are. The good news is that you can do a lot to help and support your partner, so take advantage of every opportunity you get.

11. Stimming

Watching my boyfriend stim is the cutest thing ever. He'll play with little magnets in his hands while playing video games or do countless of other stims. Stims are nothing to be embarrassed about, they are a way of coping and making themselves feel good. I encourage my boyfriend to stim and enjoy seeing him take part in healthy behavior. Never keep them from stimming.

12. Give them time to answer

When you ask them a question, give them time to answer. Don't rephrase your question, don't get rude about them needing some time to process everything. They are not ignoring you, I promise.

13. Discuss boundaries

After being together a while, you will encounter certain behaviors that your partner will dislike (as it is with everyone). Discuss boundaries of all kinds, what is off-limits in fights, in front of other people, and so on. The goal is to always be respectful of one another.

14. Don't get angry easily

When your partner says something that you consider as "rude", 99% of the time it had no evil intention. Learn to control your temper and stay calm, even when something hurtful is being said. There are plenty of ways of expressing you have been hurt by words without getting upset and upsetting your partner for something they didn't do on purpose.

15. Sleepiness

Life is exhausting for a person with autism and a lot of them are constantly tired. Take that into account and give them lots of time to rest and recharge.

16. Learn how you can support them

This is easily done by asking "What can I do for you right now?" when things are not so great. "How can I help you?" is a powerful phrase. If they can't think of anything, suggest things. I like to ask if he needs a glass of water or food, if he needs some alone time or support, if a hug would help or if he needs to not be touched. Over time, you will remember lots of things you did last time they were not feeling well that were helpful and learn to be supporting.

17. Teach them how to support you

Also very important. When you are in need of support, express what that could look like. Ask them to bring you something or make suggestions of how they could help you right now.

I hope these helped someone :)

See you again soon,

love,

Caroline